you dont know how hard it is for me, daily.
to wake up, force myself to smile at the wreck in the mirror.
to convincer her, coerce even, of positivity
for she knows herself how her mood can affect others at sch, at cca.
sometimes.
and sometimes, she's just so tired of trying.
of being cheery, crazy, for others.
sadness is a permanent guest in the attic of my heart.
you dont see him, cos usually i lock him in.
but sometimes, cant you hear him singing softly to himself?
or pounding on the door and throwing tantrums.

and these days im shit scared.
wad with SYF in a month's time ( or less) i dont know.
i have no idea wad to do... the state we are now.
oh lord pls, really pls, help us.

there arent many people i can really talk to nowadays.
i really miss xinhui so much.
cos when you're in diff countries... everything seems so... far away and distant?
the feeling's not the same...
and i cant tell you abt everything and anything anymore, simply cos i cant POINT it out to you or smthg...
i miss being able to tell you so many things... complaining about sch and how i feel...
sigh. and then i dunno. im really busy and val's seldom online... so i cant really talk to her anymore. it gets me so sad sometimes...
i cant hold a real conversation anymore, that goes beneath the surface.
some pple came close to that i guess... but i havent been able to talk to them long enough, or know them long enough to say more.
sigh. i hope there'll be someone whom i can TALK talk to.
what's wrong with disagreeing? if you always agree its pretty boring.
tell me your point of view. im anti monosyllabic.
but more importantly dont do my thinking for me.